Berto’s Pre-Surfing Workout For Lon

This weekend, Lon will be visiting me after doing some work in San Diego. On Saturday, we will go surfing, which will be Lon’s first time. Depending on surf conditions, hangovers, and the weather, we will be going to either Seal Beach or El Porto.

In order to get Lon ready for the surf, I am proposing Berto’s Pre-Surfing Workout. Lon will have two grueling days to prepare for the time of his life:

1. The Pop-Up

   Popping up is the first thing you need to learn if you want to get up on your board. The pop-up is where you go from laying on your board to the surfing position in one smooth move.

   First, lay a towel on the ground the width of a surfboard (22-23 inches should be good). Next, put your hands flat on the towel like a close-grip push up, hands at the chest level.

   Launch yourself up in the air high enough to bring your knees up in a twisting motion landing in a balanced surfing crouch in one move. This is about a shoulder width half squat position.

   Do something like the above picture, but with a less homo-erotic look on your face, take the goddamned sunglasses out of your hair, don’t grow your hair out like that, and don’t grab the rails of your board like this fool unless you want to eat shit on the bottom of the ocean. And if any of you have bought a towel like this, you are a retard.

   Anyway, as a right-handed person, you will most likely want your left foot forward. If this is uncomfortable to you, then put your right foot forward, thus making you a “goofy-footed” person.

   Tips: Keep your butt down. You want to squat, and stand from there, keeping your butt pointing down. If your butt is up, you are looking down, and you will fall over or pearl. Pearling also occurs when you are too far up on your board. Pearling sucks.

   Do 3 sets of 10 pop-ups.

2. Balance

Your shoulders and chest are probably a bit tired now, so let’s do something easy. You can’t surf without balance. Luckily, you are shorter than me and have better balance, as proven to the left. All you need to do is stand on one foot for 60 seconds at a time. This will work your stabilizer muscles.

Do 2 sets of 60-second balancing for each leg (ie. this will take 4 minutes)

3. Shoulder Raises

Since we’ll be padding a lot, you’ll need your shoulder strength. If you have any 10 or 15lb weights, use these. If not, lift your laptop bag, your favorite Ayn Rand book, or your daughter Vanessa (all about the same weight!) to a 90 degree angle in front of you, one arm at a time. Do not go beyond 90 degrees, this puts too much torque on your shoulders!

Do 3 sets of 15 front shoulder raises per arm, vary reps depending on weight. If you are feeling saucy, also do some lateral shoulder raises.

4. Core Strength – Abs – Flutter Kicks

We’re going to do flutter kicks here, because they’re related to swimming (you won’t be kicking, but you never know) and Navy SEALS do them — luckily you won’t have to do them with heavy rubber fins on. Lie on your back, tuck your chin, raise your legs 6 inches in the air, and alternate your legs while keeping them straight with your toes pointed out.

Do 5 sets @ 20 seconds of flutter kicks. Count slow, do not cheat! If you’re not tired yet, do 10 close-grip pushups in between sets.

5. Squats

Last one, let’s finish with the legs. Perform squats with no or little weight. Keep your back straight.

Do 3 sets of 15 squats. If you are feeling tough, do one-legged squats against the wall, 3 sets of 10 on each leg.

Now get ready to rock and let’s have some fun in the cold water! And of course, let’s make sure we hydrate ourselves Friday night!